Indy Car Parody Lyrics – Jay Penske’s Lament

DZ’s Indycar Parody Lyrics
Parody of ‘Lawyers, Guns and Money’ by Warren Zevon
‘Jay Penske’s Lament’ by DZ (aka:@groundedeffects)

I went home on the team bus
The way I always do
How was I to know
It was Gil deFerran’s too?

I was gambling in Indiana
I took a little risk
Send lawyers, cars and money
Daaad get me out of this, hyeah

I’m the innocent car owner
Somehow I got stuck
Between “Tô fora!” and a hard place   (“Tô fora” = “I’m out!”)
And I’m down on my luck
Well I’m down on my luck
There’s no cars in my truck

I’m hiding in California
and PT’s a desperate man
Send sponsors, cars and money
The shit has hit the fan

All right
Send lawyers, cars and money
Huh!
Uh…
Send sponsors, cars and money
Uhh!
Send lawyers, cars and money
Hyah!
Send sponsors, cars and money
Ooh!
Yeah!
Yeah
Yeah…
Uh!

Favorite Cars of Indy part IV

As is typical in the spring, my business responsibilities took me to Indianapolis this past week and I again made time to hit the IMS Museum and Gift Shop. Also took the bus tour for the first time.  


The museum was in the process of setting up the new 100th Anniversary Race display of only winning Indycars which includes 67 chassis from (and including) the first race in 1911. Amazing memories came back from races I’ve attended or merely watched on TV.  I also got the chance to see up close several cars I hadn’t prior. Some truly legendary machines there and it got me thinking about my favorites.  Today’s favorite is not necessarily known for it’s dominating performance or unique engineering as much as how it became legendary…



The display wasn’t complete when I visited so to see the complete display, I’ll be visiting again in May when I return for race weekend or during a practice day. 


If you are in the Indianapolis area sometime in the next 3 months, I highly suggest a trip through the museum, the bus tour, and catch the 25-minute movie in the museum as well.  Total admissions will set you back $10 for an immense amount of American automotive racing history that won’t be all together like this possibly ever again.

Who do you trust?

Despite my very slight case of megalomania, I don’t envy Randy Bernard one bit.


All the “input” he’s been getting lately from such divergent sources as TV networks, team owners, sponsors, and the ‘almighty’ fans, all with legitimate views, he must feel a bit in need of some sorcery to fairly placate these people. The recent hoopla over the proposed changes to the restarts/pitting/lucky doggery, as suggested by the owners, raises the question of who does Bernard need to listen to the most?

Owners have ‘skin in the game’ and must always have their input, but that is to say not always will they, or should they, get what they want.  Sponsors want to have as much exposure for as little money as they can which is totally understandable, but their influence on the racing product should be minimal. 

TV networks appear to be the most flaky part of this equation with their heads half-buried in the traditional decades-old model of ‘we show it, when we want to show it, and you watch it and be thankful’. TV, while still the most traditional method, is far from the only avenue of content viewing and until they realize how much they’re missing out on by not including online access, extra features, and expanded content that a majority of the faithful viewers WOULD PAY EXTRA FOR, they will continue to underserve the very audience for which they are aiming. Traditional TV media appears quite able at head-in-the-sand thinking which stems from an acute misunderstanding of how the audience is getting their content these days (‘I want it, when I want it, on multiple devices I may use to attain it’). 

Lastly, the fans. Perhaps Mr. Bernard has set a precedent from which he may never recover.  He allowed direct contact from the fans. Wow. Big mistake. You want 17 different opinions about your product? Ask 17 different fans. Herding felines is a simpler task than understanding what the fanbase wants. I’m as guilty of taking advantage of this access as anyone and I think it’s time for the fans to take a step back, count to 10 or something, and get a grip. 

Yes, we are the reason for sponsorship dollars and ticket sales.  Yes, we buy merchandise and watch the (at times, meager) coverage. Yes, we are the end customer, but what we are NOT is racing experts. Why do we as fans feel the need to have our input so greatly valued, just because we have the ability?  I’ve never raced a day in my life so how valuable is my input on the mechanics of making a good racing product really? A significant portion of long-term fanbase (pre-split) is very knowledgeable in the ‘how it used to be and what worked 17 year ago’, but how valuable is that really in today’s game?  Not much, I say. 

What we DO have of value is a great enthusiasm and passion for our beloved sport, and for that reason alone, the league, owners, and TV coverage should be open to input from the end customer. We’re ultimately the reason everyone there has a job. We’re the people who spend money on this diversion and not one of myriad others. We deserve to be heard, but like the owners, and because of our herd-like mentality, shouldn’t always get our way with respect to racing product, because we may not actually know what the hell we’re talking about all the time.

What’s a solution? I think Mr. Bernard needs to seriously consider a competition committee which includes representatives of the league, owners, tracks, promoters, fans, media, and sponsors who all get in one room at the same time and hash out the final racing product.  Using the current ‘throw it at the wall and see what sticks’ (or put it online and see what flames erupt) is a fairly poor way of developing a product that satisfies such divergent input. 

Unfortunately for 2011, it’s too late to accomplish this feat, but for 2012, I see it as essential to maintain a product that satisfies as many as possible and can therefore grow and prosper into the future.

It’s already decided, my next car will be American-made.

This is the Motor City, and this is what we do.


The Chrysler ad featured during the Super Bowl was inspiring. Just not in a way the producers of the ad may have been thinking. 

Instead of pimping a distinctly mediocre Chrysler 200 (formerly Sebring) sedan that was unconvincingly shown as the ride of choice for rapper Eminem (a car that NO rapper would be caught looking at, let alone even driving), the Big 2.5 (Ford, GM, Chrysler) perhaps should consider going in together on this effective imagery and voiceover as an ad for Detroit and all American brands in general. 

Despite the fact that much of Detroit (Big 2.5’s) plight is directly attributable to the ineptitude of both owners, labor unions, and *gasp* government during the 70s, 80s, 90s, I remain a sympathetic supporter to the current plight of the American auto companies and their workers. “Why?”, you may ask. Because this country is broad and varied and reflected in the vast network of roads found. Driving is an inherent part of the modern American life and landscape, there’s no escaping it, and that is why this country has more jobs and people and taxpayers working in the auto and auto-related industries than any other. Our love of automobilia is so great, we have made multiple long-standing national sports of the auto.

Therefore, I don’t appreciate a government, that is supposed to represent said people, seemingly bent on proselytizing itself to the unrealistic vision of an automotive future purported by those who think everyone should be driving ultra-eco-friendly pudwagons (Toyota Priuses, et al.) simply because (of course) they ‘know best’. I don’t appreciate a government whose myopic motoring vision fails to understand or account for varied driving environments and requirements in the 98% of area found between the coasts. No one type of vehicle is the solution. Can the factories produce these government-blessed pudwagons? Yes, of course. Why don’t they?  Because few people actually buy them. Why? Because they are far from the best value for the money and because they don’t do what the driver needs. One-size-fits-all is never a good solution (outside of a communist regime that is), and for government to shame-and-blame ‘Detroit’ is the perfect solution for gnawing on the digits that provide your sustenance.

Demand dictates supply, not vice-versa, so to our governments – SUPPORT them all and allow them the space to retool and rebuild what was once the envy of the industrial world. To the remaining American marques – go out and race and learn on a variety of tracks and take that knowledge to the showrooms of America. For a more clearly stated thought on racing in America, I submit you to the Autoextremist Peter deLorenzo and his current thoughts on the subject.


Work together, for a better motoring tomorrow, because if we don’t, someone else will, and when they do, it will be at our own demise.

The Singlemost Factor in Appreciating INDYCAR over NASCAR

NASCAR’s revision of its points system, and the reaction to it, has returned me, like the swallows to Capistrano, to my very core base of appreciation for INDYCAR. Screaming typographics aside, the debate of on-track action between INDYCAR and NASCAR for this writer has always boiled down to one very simple inherent element – open wheels.


In reaction to the points system changes in NASCAR, driver Clint Bowyer states, 
“…you’re out there giving it 100 percent, you’re out there to win the race 
each and every week anyway, but you’re not going to 
step underneath somebody if you’re loose 
and you know they’re going to make you even looser. 
You’re not going to try to make that pass for 
a fifth place and take a chance of finishing 35th.”



Recollecting the ‘mosh-pit’ nature of action often found in a stock car race, there are some who will see it as Bowyer does, encouraging more caution and conservatism to attain the precious points for your season, seemingly reducing the impetus to race. One wonders if this also allows for backmarkers and multiple-car teams to play a more significant role in the system. I certainly don’t have any immediate suspects, but one could see how a car suffering misfortune early and dropping back to 32nd place could roll around out there until the opportunity presents to, er.. ‘assist’ a teammate by impeding or (dare I say it?) ‘chrome horn’ an opposing car out of contention (that doesn’t really happen, does it?).  Tongue, meet cheek. 


The ability to ‘bump and grind’ and ‘loosen-up’ and ‘slide-job’ and ‘soldier on’ after repairs (and all those other wonderful stock car colloquialisms) certainly allows for this to happen. Perhaps that IS the very nature of that form of auto-racing which makes it popular with so many.  For others, this isn’t racing at all which brings me to my point (yes, finally).


INDYCAR (or Indycar as I like to call it), from it’s inception, has the simple and inherent beauty (and violent danger) of being an auto-racing form which has vehicles specifically featuring open-wheels. No fenders means no ‘grind-bump-draft-slide-job-loosen-sheet metal repairs’. 


‘Open wheels’ means a pass must be judged and made skillfully or the penalty for locking wheels often takes both drivers, and even others, out of the race (or sometimes on a tragic occasion even out of this life). To this writer, this is, and has always been, the singlemost reason why I appreciate the sport of Indycar more than any other form of racing. 


Formula 1, it can be argued, contains the highest level of technology in a similar open-wheel format, but due to their European origin on street and road courses, it’s oft-turned and rapidly-deccelrated wheels requires primary skill in braking and turning and never reaches the overt and thrilling speeds (or passing) found with Indycars on ovals. NASCAR had speeds sometimes approaching the relative ballpark of Indycars (albeit many years and restrictions ago) on matching ovals, but all too often relies on less-sporting driving skills and tactics, and certainly aren’t also made very well for going left AND right as Indycars will also do.


I am fully aware that success in NASCAR also requires a skillset, but in my view Indycar has always represented the apogee of where extreme speed meets sporting skillfulness. I also believe that once seen in this light, Indycar has no equal in what it provides to its audience. Only then does one begin to truly understand the heritage and legacy found in its 100 years of racing.


The latest chassis (and engine) rules for 2012 have embraced this heritage by allowing this primary element to remain, yet not allowed private technology budgets to attempt to dictate the competition. This is why INDYCAR is still my preferred form of auto racing and why so many, who’ve yet to cast an eye on it will appreciate it as we, the dedicated, do.


Nearly every year since my third Indy 500 back in 1988, I’ve brought a person who has never seen an Indycar race (or in some cases any auto-racing event) to their first Indycar race only to have them be amazed at the sounds, smells, sights, speed, and atmosphere of it all. I’m glad to have passed this along to my friends as my father and mother did for me back in 1979. I intend to do it again this year and challenge you to bring at least one ‘newbie’ to a race in 2011, as there is truly no substitute for the experience.

The Curious Case of Sam Hornish

Much ado will probably be made over the next several days and weeks regarding one Mr. Sam Hornish, Jr. and his future in racing.  Much more will likely be made again about a return to Indycars and specifically, the Indy 500.


I’m not going to pretend that just because we’re both from the humble, rural midwest that this writer has any particular insight into his current state of mind, BUT, honestly, it’s almost as if Sam needs the advice of a trusted friend who might suppose he just didn’t need a break from it all. 


Playing third-string on a team can be taxing, especially when you consider he’s been the first-string all-star on the upward trajectory for a vast majority of his career.  First-string until he stepped into a stock car that is. A new challenge is precisely what he got when he traded wings for fenders, but I’m guessing being support for, first one, then two, other drivers was not the dream job he was looking for. 


Understanding that ‘taking a year off’ in sports most often leads to the severe decline in career opportunities (and performance), the reluctance to step back from it for a second is without question. Yet in review of his career path, one has to wonder if a year of doing something different (ALMS, Grand-Am, Rally cars, Sprinters) or whatever, just for the fun of it, might not be a panacea for his driving malaise. 


Again, this is pure speculation by a rank amateur whose only credentials in driving are a current and valid Indiana drivers license and has driven the wonderful Indy Racing Experience car for 4 laps at the hallowed IMS.  Still, one wonders if this is less a racing issue and more an issue ‘between the ears’. Most true fans would certainly only hope he does what’s best for him and that it helps his journey in racing for the long-term.  

Time to Hit Refresh

A much need design overhaul occurred today and I will be eager to hear your feedback.  As much as I love clean an simple design, I wanted to add graphical tie-ins which I hope will add and not detract from the experience.  I’m by no means a graphic artist and my livelihood isn’t tied to whether there’s traffic here or not, so please feel free to comment pro or con. This space is mainly for my Indycar blatherings and your enjoyment as well so if the design offends or is distracting, I’d love to know.  I’m also posting a picture to see how they might appear…

Sample picture caption.

Kibbles and Bits…

End of another year and, as many do, I pause to look both back at the previous year and ahead at what may come. I looked back in my blog entries to find some unfinished drafts and decent thoughts within which I now unabashedly review and present this day as blog-filler (or ‘clearing the mental-leftovers’ if you will).


– There were no less than three posts which contained only a title and no body copy. Those titles were; “The Yellow Submarine”, “Next Generations”, and “Peter Brady”. Fairly certain where I was going with the former two, but not the latter (fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to blog, son).

– A few unfinished ‘for/against’ or ‘wish list’ themed entries appear rightfully dated now, based on the happenings of 2010.


– A very long and incomplete summary of this year’s Indy 500 trip was present.  I enjoyed reading my recap and now am wishing I had done this for each year I’ve gone.  Recently I’ve found great Indy daydream material when I get sucked into the detailed historical journals posted by Paul Dalbey over at MoreFrontWing.com. I’ll post a snippet of mine here:


[…So in review, here are my impressions for the 94th Indy 500 – 2010.
1. Camping – My group of early-middle aged crazies (with the annual rookie tripper) again enjoyed the relative freedom found in 5 days of a lesser regard for manners, hygiene, liver protection, ambition, order, and calm. All in all, the camping portion of the trip was another success and the near-perfect weather was a huge factor in being able to enjoy the weekend to its fullest. An under-canopy bar and music area was new this year and was a rousing success. Duly noted.
2. Food and Beverage – I will say that the absence of the 4-star chef from our ranks was noticable on many levels but the no moreso than the decrease in ambition and direction shifting the eating to a more improvised dinner each night. The quality was still there, albeit a reduction in the anticipation of knowing what was ahead for our gullets each night was noted. We tried a keg this year in support of our multitudinous cases of beer. BeerFail. To keep the keg cold and palatable, a larger tub and more ice than we had available was required. I just returned it last night to retrieve my deposits, feeling like we had fallen short of expectations. Most, if not all, of us were just as happy with the numerous dirty 30s loaded and emptied in the 5-day iced coolers. Duly noted….]

I plan to continue my blogging here and, with the upswing in Indycar mojo, hope to make time for more timely and consistent entries for the seven (oops, just fact-checked my stats) make that, nine of you who read this.  My aim for 2011 is to continue to provide something that’s not already being made out there. This requires the use of only my brain primarily so you can see how we’re standing on shaky ground.

Math Homework for Thanksgiving Break…

OK, ok, everyone please take your seats, Indycar math is in session.  We’ve taken a bit of a break so there’s a fair bit of ground to cover…

Indycar 2012 >= sliced bread.
Indycar 2012 > NASCAR 2012 (cubed)
Indycar 2012 Chassis solution > NASCAR CoT + 5 years.
Chevy (Ilmor) + Lotus (Cosworth) + Honda (HPD) > Doom + Gloomers.
Randy Bernard > Pessimism.
Pessimism <= colo-rectal screenings.
Month of May planning + anticipation + enthusiasm
 >= Christmas morning – 5:40am wake-up.

Month of May anticipation > pharmaceutical-grade stimulants.
4 x Miller High Life Light 30-pks x $14.99 + 3-day cooler (x 2) + 40 lbs ice @ .25 per > 1 x keg Miller High Life x $79 + deposits + 80 lbs ice @ .60 (where ambient temperature is assumed constant 84 deg average x 5 days).
Indycar Tweeters + fun > barrel full of monkeys.
Pressdog > ESPN NASCAR commentary.
“So’s Your Face” > “Jeff Gordon’s a querrr”.

Aerial bombs at 5am + 3 hrs. sleep (max) – properly hydrated system – full sobriety – personal hygiene = best day of the rest of your life…

Please memorize these formulae.  There will likely be a test at the end of 2nd semester…

dammitdammitDAMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

So it’s a Wednesday in the middle of November and I’m forced to reneg on a promise I made to myself LESS THAN A MONTH AGO, that was supposed to last until March 2011. 


Steph (@99forever) over at More Front Wing (a very well-organized and well-done Indycar blog) illuminated and challenged we Indycar slobs to not succumb to the all too frequent curse of obsessive fandom: off-season withdrawal.  Too often we feed the monkey with little hits of junk here and there to get us by until the new season starts, but they often come from low-grade rumor and unnewsworthy news required by our 24/7/365 desire for infotainment which serve no greater good. Unfortunately, my promise has been thrown from the wagon by recent developments urging me to take a hit off the Indycar off-season pipe once again (OK, enough addiction references): 


1. Biggest Blood-Pressure-Raising, Swear-Inducing, Palm-to-Forehead Slappin’, Anger-Management-Forgettin’ Major Pisser-Offer:  The shuttering of the Silent Pagoda.
Seriously?  SE-RI-OUS-LY?  “This is soooo necessary and the world of Indycar will certainly meet a pre-Mayan-Calendarian doom if we don’t DO SOMETHING AND NOW…  Let’s shut down a fan-favorite blog because the waste there is rampant”, said the overzealous counter-of-beans.  The Anglophile in me would say, “FOOKin’ ‘ELL MAN!”  For those that don’t know the Silent Pagoda, you can trust the opinion of this established Indycar devotee when I say this was the most-enjoyable damned blog related to Indycar… period. Pure entertainment and blissful irreverence for a sport that is frought with overseriousness, just for the sake of having a laugh (and showing by our very nature a higher intelligence than most autosport fans). Granted some of the seriousness is justified given the precarious nature of our beloved sport… SOME, not all, so humorous satire is a welcome distraction for this Indycar fan’s workaday world. It’s Indycar news like this that makes me want to break shit. (okay, deep cleansing breath)


2. Best News of the Month so far: Chevrolet announces an Indycar engine program to compete with Honda. Yes, yes forward momentum and all. Great news for sure. Looking forward, though, I predict even better news. My bet is that Ford, possibly Fiat (new owners of Chrysler) via Alfa Romeo (it’s soon to be re-introduced brand to the US of A), and maybe one other manufacturer will be in the fold by 2013. Thank you Chevy for remembering that you once had cojones.


3. Worst Racing News of the Month so far: Tony Kanaan is out of a ride. I understand the mechanisms behind it all and am mostly disappointed for my 7-year old son who has been a TK fan for as long as he can remember. Literally. I purchased a new TK 7-11 replica crew shirt for him at the Kentucky race as a reward for having such a great start to his 1st-grade schoolyear. “Hey, guess what, my son, that shirt which is one size too big so it will fit you next summer, is outdated”. Thanks for nothing 7-11. “I don’t like 7-11 anymore dad, and Slurpees are off my list!” (his words, not mine). ’nuff said.


In light of my current mood, I am now preparing to not ‘give it a rest’ this off-season and the house-cleaning begins with this blog. I plan to examine revamping and energizing this blog, so stay tuned…


As always, this season of thankfulness emplores me to express gratitude for those who make my life more interesting – many of you know who you are and for the others, I will attempt to show gratitude as I can. Thanks to you for stopping by. Feel free to leave me a comment or input, and hope to see you at a great Indycar event next season…


DZ (groundedeffects@gmail.com, @groundedeffects